Adoptee Sexual Abuses - Dying While Alive Revealed

Decoding The Sexual Abuses 8th September 2020 

 

This picture I just had to draw as an Adoptee-Artist - I had to face it .. And,  the awful feelings too right across all my life. Why?  WITNESS that is why. True witness for a child lost long ago because of Adoption to an infertile couple.   In the end my Adoptive father's infertility became my sexual destruction

His wife abused me sexually and finally that killed off senses that I could trust any other "body".   Not even my own ... The Death-life I lived was strange and fully endowed with nothingness .. Erect as Iron ..Made of nothing and no feelings.....Occasionally spurting out a bit of leftover life ....That was me .

That was my adoptive dad ! That became me too !  That became many men I knew too in the working classes of Birmingham of factory/iron workers with dead looks for life ..They were not adopted though - so I was more like super-iron .. Super dead-alive..Super unfeeling..

The iron broke down in therapy later that I paid for in Paris and London

My sexuality though was just an abused broken mirror. An abused mirror in an adoptee dark room waiting for development .. .. It was like only "she existed" - the adoptive mother - in the mirror of my my broken adoptee Self that had spent time in my late teens on the mental health wards .

She was "fucking herself" on me as a child ..I know and felt it .. "Making a baby always out of me."  Psychotic. That's what the State allowed and never checked out properly when I was 3 onwards. Just before adoption at 6 ..

My head twisted and broke in teenage life with it all . ..I was with a mentally ill person ..A fantasist. Approved by social workers as "normal" ..

I never had a penis big enough to stick in her like she might have wished because I was aged 3 -4 when it started with her asking me to spoon her in bed for her comfort . "Mommy needs that now " ..."Mommy needs to sit on your lap" too .. THATS when the damage was done - later I kept her away from me as much as I could and that was difficult. I was beaten sometimes. 

It was not like penetrative sexual abuses. It was like being engulfed in some fantasy of hers that was every bit as bad as dying. I had lost my own real mother too. I was already dying inside. It was like disappearing into something quite organically terrible .. A big slug's enfolding mouth... A form of death-in-life....Always she as my context dominated me. 

Those things experienced in adoption I hold responsible for developing a distorted non-sexuality and the cancer destruction of my own sexuality.. I survived the cancer but the adoption ? Well I am little more now than a witness and shadow pointing to ghosted facts and truths - leaving life slowly ..

NEVER ask me to "HOPE" .... I LIVE because life lives until it does not .. 

 

 

See Also:  Kaye Pearse Adoption Annulment Article